What Lurks in the Trees

I was almost murdered Saturday night.

Well, not murdered. Maybe bound and gagged.

Or stabbed.

Well, not bound, gagged or stabbed.

But very, very scared.

I was completely asleep when a loud bang shot me straight up in bed.  Heart pounding, I listened and heard what sounded like 2 to 3 large adults (men, I’m sure in masks carrying machetes) stomping through the underbrush on the other side of our fence (our property backs up to a creek).  I listened and the noises were getting closer and louder.

I opened the slider and hung in the doorway for a minute or so.  “THEY’RE RIGHT THERE!” I said to myself.  I closed and locked the door, grabbed my cell phone, and with the rush of blood in my ears, called police dispatch.

At this point I’m rattling off my address, telling the woman on the phone that I heard “these people” signaling to each other that sounded like some kind of fake bird call.  They’re RIGHT THERE and I’m here by myself with my son.  Of course Straw was gone.

“Ok, we’ll send someone out.”

My adrenaline was pumping so badly at this point that I was practically hyperventilating. I stood in our bathroom which faces the street and saw the cruisers pull up (thank God.)  They had the lights blazing and were searching the area around the creek.  I wanted to run out “THERE ARE MURDERERS BACK THERE! WITH LARGE KNIVES!!!!”

They rang the doorbell.  When I opened the door, I told them in a rushed voice what was going on.  “There were definitely people back there, making some fake bird noise to signal to each other.”

“Can we go in your yard to check it out?”

I escort them in the back and we’re all standing in the dark, listening.  At this point, it’s 4:15 am. I heard the bird call, the men signaling that the police have arrived.

The cops hear it too.  “No, that’s definitely some kind of animal.”

Cop 1 to me:  “So you heard them talking to each other?”

Me: “Um…no.  Just the crunching of leaves.  I know it was a person!”

Cop 1 to me: “Have you noticed any property damage?”

Me: “Ummmmmmmm………..no.” (Silence.  2 cops staring at me, waiting)

Cop 1: “Well, we’ll take a look around and let you know if we find anything.”

This is where I’m standing there, twisting the sleeve of my sweatshirt, feeling like Kristin Wiig with an awkward expression on her face.


So yeah………

I avoided disaster.  Getting murdered.  Had the cops come to my rescue.  And they left thinking I was  shrooming.   Did I dream the crash noise that woke me up? Probably.  The crunching of leaves? Large deer is my guess.  But they may have been wearing masks and wielding machetes.   Bucks can be very unpredictable.

Nothing like nearly shitting your pants in your own hallway at 4 am. And you’re alone.  And you’re sober.  And you have definitely seen your share of scary movies, like “The Strangers” starring a very naive Liv Tyler.

Screen Shot 2013-09-01 at 10.12.43 AM

Well, I’m happy to report that I’m alive and well.  And the police were super excited they rushed over here.

When Straw got home the next morning I told him we were almost held hostage.  He tried to stifle a laugh.  “Yeah, it’s mating season for deer right now.  That’s what you heard.  They can make a lot of noise in the ivy.”

Great.  Thanks “Adventure-man Straw” – the almighty powerful outdoorsman and expert on deer fornication.

“Well, I’m sure they were doing it with the intent to KILL!”


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